This is a blog for my art and I was going to keep it that way but lately I find that I want to talk about this issue and if even one person reads this and it helps it will be amazing!
There are many many videos and articles about narcissism but most of them are for USA people. The thing is USA is the leader and they enjoyed peace and prosperity for some time. World War Two and Soviet period – it produced whole generations of narcistic parents – poverty, famine, fear for your life, it’s all makes it hard to worry about emotional wellbeing of your kids – they are robbed of their childhood and learn that in order to get love that need to manipulate and pretend.
Both of our grandmothers were narcistic and heaped a huge load of abuse, physical and emotional on their kids – our parents.
The thing though that makes it so hard to fight narcistic abuse is that it’s a cult. Our parents are in their sixties and yet they jump like well trained dogs at every order they are given. You are brainwashed from a very young age that only narcissist matters, he or she is the leader of the cult and the rest of the family are worshipping at his/hers altar.
It’s even worse because it’s your parents – you love them and it’s hard to set limits – you are trained to love them since birth!
Another thing about Russia is that it’s an Asian country-there is no equality, the society is very male dominated and women purpose is to pop up kids and take care of her husband needs. You are also taught to take care of your parents and provide for them because the pension they receive from government is barely enough for food.
So society tells you to worship and obey your parents, your parents manipulate you into blind obedience and love and your grandparents make sure to drill the fact that you don’t matter right in your scull.
If you are lucky you realise it’s not healthy and try to heal but many young adults don’t know it’s not supposed to be that way and continue the same vicious pattern. Three or four generations suffering from narcistic abuse.
So what to do if you suspect your parents are narcissists? First – find out as much as you can about it.
Second – move out! If you have even a slight chance to move from your parents – take it! And it will not be easy – narcissist needs you near, at his/her feet, being pathetic and feeding their needy ego. Our mother spend the whole year making sure we would not move out – she even got sick just to keep us subdued! Moving out, despite all of the drama, was the best thing that we did in our lives.
Third, that’s gonna be even worse – you need to set boundaries, set limits to what you allow them to do and since breaking boundaries and invading your privacy is what they do, you need to repeat the process again and again.
Fourth, we call it virtual parents. You are out and yet there is still a voice in your head telling you exactly what to do sounding just like your parents. It’s your brainwashing and you need to fight it 24/7! The practice of meditation and mindfulness is really great in that regard but don’t get upset if you can’t fight it all the time. Flashbacks are completely normal! In fact every time we visit parents for longer than a day – we reverse into bad habits.
Fifth, find out what you like to eat, do, wear. You’ve been controlled for so long, and it was such a tight leash, now that you are free, you don’t know what to do. It’s fine. Scary but you can do it – it just needs time and patience.
Sixth, you are the most important person in your life – we are still struggling with this and with self esteem because all your life you are taught that you don’t matter. As they say – put your oxygen mask first, then help others! I don’t have much advice for this except for reverse brainwashing – tell yourself everyday that you matter, that you are a good person, that you deserve love and that you love yourself. That’s all I can think of and if you have any advice on that front – let us know in the comments!
And last, if you can, cut them out. We were not brave enough to do that, but the first and most important advice everybody gives you – get out. Stop communicating and get out from abusif relationship, be it your parents or friends or husband /wife! They are spiders just waiting to stuck you back in their web, so get out!
P. S. Hope it helps even a little bit! And yes, everything, even the small things are a hard won battle, but be proud that you are fighting, be proud of your victories and kind to yourself when you fail. You are amazing and you matter!
P. P. S. Sorry for a copy paste mistake! The moment I noticed I thought I can’t even do this right, that’s my brainwashing talking, I had to remind myself I don’t have to be perfect, mistakes are allowed! Be kind to yourself! All the love to you!